Today would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I hesitated on writing about it, but it’s the only brilliant and true thing that is there for me to write this evening, so I will share… Brilliantly…
I will preface this post with the fact that my ex husband & I have worked extremely hard to re-create our relationship outside of our marriage – for our children. We have a remarkable friendship and co-parenting relationship that we maintain and tend to on a regular basis.
I will probably share more about that over time…
But what I’m choosing to embrace and appreciate this evening is the woman that I have become since the seemingly devastating event of our divorce almost 5 years ago. When I look back at that era I can finally recognize my strength inside of a time when I had no idea what I was doing or where things were going.
Choosing to separate, break up, divorce, etc. is never a light or easy matter. Things tend to be foggy and confusing, no matter what end of the spectrum you’re on. I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, but I knew that it had to be done.
On my way to work this morning, they read the following quote on one of my favorite podcasts and it brought me to tears:
Go, even though you love him.
Go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.
Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
Go, even though you once said you would stay.
Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.
Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.
Go, because you want to.
Because wanting to leave is enough.
~Cheryl Strayed’s books, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar
Please know, I’m not saying that there isn’t a time to fight for a relationship. What I am saying is that is for you to decide. You have a choice and sometimes you must just go. And that is okay.
Reflecting on this day, on walking away from two relationships over the last 5 years and on what it took for me to become this person astounds me.
‘Going’ for me meant finding out who I was/am. Going meant healing broken pieces of myself that couldn’t have been healed in a relationship.
I am finally the strong, self-loving woman that I envisioned when I was a little girl.
Today I’m thankful that I now know how to go, for me.