This weekend I had a little surprise visitor that I haven’t had in quite some time…
We shall call him Loneliness!
After my break up a couple of years ago, I made the decision to sit with my loneliness and make it my friend. Even though it was the most empty, unpleasant, sad and hopeless feeling I ever had, I recognized that this was something I needed to actually sit with and move through for the first time ever.
Experiencing separation as an adult pushed me to experience loneliness in a way I hadn’t felt since I was a little girl.
In the beginning, the pain and emptiness felt hard to bear. Eventually I had to find something to replace what I was feeling that wasn’t going to hurt me. I had to continue to take care of ME if for no other purpose than that I have children who need and rely on me.
There were times when going on felt too hard. And there were times when my default was to resort to altering my mind to cope.
Over time though, and through my sobriety, my self love has touched new depths – and my own inner peace and well being takes more and more precedence over any form of self sacrifice.
But sometimes that little visitor still shows up and now I must learn to face him differently. I must look him in the eyes, feel him in my heart, and ask why…
You see, I’m surrounded by people and love beyond my wildest dreams. I don’t have the partner that I yearn for yet, but I’m certainly never alone or lacking love. Why should I ever feel lonely?! It makes no logical sense. It doesn’t matter, because sometimes that’s just what’s there! Period. There’s no reason to judge it or beat myself up about it. I’m human.
Which is why I’m sharing this with you.
We humans are in a constant battle to fix and change our selves and our lives. We’re constantly judging who we are and what we’re feeling. And when the feelings of loneliness (or anything else) comes in it’s easy to judge it as something we have to fix. And fast!
This battle to always fix and change something within can put us in a constant state of anxiety. When there’s a sense of urgency to run away from and fix whatever is constantly going on inside of us as fast as possible, how can we ever just BE. How can we ever find peace.
You can replace my loneliness with whatever it is that you deal with and treat it the same. This life and being human thing is no easy task at times. We must learn to give ourselves the space and compassion to be the humans that we are, to feel the feelings that we feel, and to be perfect in all of our imperfections.
Sometimes thoughts and feelings sneak up on us so that we can learn something new about ourselves.
Sometimes we must simply acknowledge them, feel them and let them pass.
Sometimes they are there to move us through another level of healing.
Sometimes they are there so that we can learn to ask for help.
This weekend, I chose to just BE… in the presence of the love that surrounds me, and the loneliness that sits inside of me.
This too shall pass. It always does.